Dark Thoughts: Vampires Can’t Have Sex
WRITER’S NOTE: I know I haven’t posted anything in a while. But now I have a new computer, so I can write shit. Let’s do this.
In recent years, vampires have started becoming sex symbols in modern culture. With shit (and I do mean shit) like Twilight and The Vampire Diaries, and some pretty good stuff like Buffy (c’mon, it was alright) and True Blood, it is becoming abundantly clear that there is a problem with a lot of people these days. Don’t know what I am talking about? Look up necrophilia. Vampires are dead. But that is not what this article is about. I am not one to judge, so let’s talk about the science behind sex (I know, how much nerdier could I get).
In order for a man to get an erection (you know, what he needs to have sex), the man in question needs to have a beating heart and blood flow. Blood pools in tissue in the penis, which then dilate to keep the blood in. This makes it hard. No this isn’t dirty, it’s scientific. I don’t know about the woman parts though (big surprise), so I cannot say with any certainty that they cannot have sex without a working heart.
Now, on to why vampires can’t fuck. Vampires are dead. In most vampire movies, shows or other forms of media, the vampires always have no heart beat. They are medically dead. No blood is moving through their bodies. Since no blood is moving, they cannot get erections. Therefore, no sex.
My roommate and I talked about this in some length. I know he was joking, but he theorized controlled rigor mortis. Here is the problem with that. In order to get it to a shape to have sex, they have to stretch it into a the shape and that will lead to weird sharp edges (I think) and that can only go bad.
Vampires have always been sexual creatures, seducing their victims so that they want to be bitten. This I have no problem with. I actually like that about the old vampires. But their is a difference between sexuality and sex. The change in vampires from violent, seductive beasts to pale looking dudes who occasionally kill people is something I will not understand. True Blood manages to find a good balance between the older and newer style of vampires, having just that little bit more violence to counter the physically impossible sex.
Oh, and while we are on the subject: Vampire babies. If vampires are dead, their sperm is probably dead, too. So the vampire baby in the last Twilight thing is also impossible….. Don’t ask me how I know anything about Twilight.