14 Days: BOO! Just kidding, I’m not scary… – Donny Grimm’s House on Haunted Hill Review
So to sum up the plot of House on Haunted Hill, white-collar mogul invites five unlucky people to stay in a haunted mansion for one night for a million dollars where they are picked off one by one, yeah, big surprise. The millionaire Stephen Price, in an attempt to shut up his loud-mouth wife agrees to celebrate her birthday in a used-to-be mental asylum, now derelict building. Of course, Price has his own agenda and shreds her guest list, replacing it with his own list of five obscenely rich individuals…which in a supernatural twist is changed again by…well we never really find out. Enter the five guests that do arrive, a doctor, a former baseball player, the generic brainless, blonde celebrity, a slightly more intelligent woman, impersonating her boss to reap her million dollar reward, and the owner of the property who has kindly allowed them to die there. Then all hell breaks loose Price’s one man effect crew gets his face ripped off but shit just keeps on happening like its running on fucking Duracell. There isn’t much more to the story that need be explained other than there’s a ghost in the building, but it wouldn’t be a haunted fucking hill without one so that part should pretty much speak for itself. The only truly interesting part about this movie is the relatively frequent use of low-brow effects and it really comes of as more funny than scary. There was a particularly funny scene where price is locked in a tank made to drive crazy people sane or vice versa. The machine is activated and Price is forced to ride out the machine trying desperately to keep himself upright. Then he finds goggles tied to a sign that says something like “In case of risk of loss of sanity please wear.” Now, I don’t know about you but I lost my shit at this point, this movie is more of a self-aware parody rather than a serious remake. Do yourself a favour and don’t buy or rent this garbage. If you must see it just wait until it’s aired on TV and save yourself a few bucks.
Final Score: 2/5
– Donny Grimm